TEDDY! TEDDY! TEDDY! TEDDY! TEDDY!
Woo! He’s 1-525! With an assist from a phake Phillie Phanatic, who clotheslined the three other commanders in chief, Teddy Roosevelt broke his Susan Lucci-esque losing streak and took his first Presidents Race on Wednesday at Nationals Park. Now that we know victory is possible, here are some ways Teddy can keep the W’s coming.
Sticking It to ’Em: Violence is bad. Except when it’s necessary. The Nats could honor the real Roosevelt’s most famous quip and arm Teddy with a big stick with which to whack the other presidents. This could backfire and elicit sympathy for Teddy’s rivals, but since they all have their faces on money and Teddy doesn’t (OK, technically he appears on South Dakota’s quarter as part of Mount Rushmore), we figure they’ll get over it. And think of the marketing possibilities of a Teddy-approved stick and the souvenir proceeds it could rake in!
Riding High: Teddy has used a zip line, a rickshaw and a Segway in his failed attempts to win. Maybe he should stick to more era-appropriate transportation. Roosevelt was an avid horseman, building much of his fame on his cavalry charge up San Juan Hill during the Spanish-American War. Wouldn’t it be majestic to have him come storming down the field, sword held aloft, atop a majestic mount? On the downside, there are some inevitable problems when you cross a galloping horse, a sword and a guy in a 10-foot costume.
Grin and Bear It: There are two ways this could go. One, a teddy bear shows up to help Teddy, distracting the other presidents with his adorable cuteness. Or two, someone borrows a bear from the National Zoo and the Nats become famous for the first on-field mauling. A goring by a bull moose would also work.