Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

THE NEWS COVERAGE of the suicide of alleged "D.C. Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey has raised some disturbing questions.

Usually, care is given in the coverage of a high-profile suicide so as not to validate or sensationalize it as an option, thus lessening the "contagion" that is sometimes seen after suicides of noteworthy people. This time, however, the reporting has been downright troubling, implying almost an inevitability of Palfrey taking her own life: ("There was no way out," screamed one headline.)

Perhaps most baffling is the nonchalance that has accompanied the reports that a journalist was certain that she would kill herself and that she had threatened to, "repeatedly."

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: The 'D.C. Madam' and Signs of Suicide" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My dad is my best friend. Ever since he got married for the second time, his new wife and I have always clashed (she secretly hates me, and I know it). My father mentioned recently that he is coming soon to visit me, and I know she is going to be with him. How do I act all cool around him while trying not to lose it around her? (I feel that I have to fight for his attention now that she's around.)
— ME VERSUS HER

Anytime someone claims that "she secretly hates me," I have to wonder whether he or she got his or her pronouns mixed up. Let's be honest — you are not a fan of your father's wife. That's no sin, but you first have to step back and examine whether you're being a bit defensive. It's understandable that when your parent (especially your best friend) marries someone who sits as well with you as last week's kimchi, things can get a little painful. But don't make things worse for yourself by exaggerating her offenses, therefore amplifying your upset. In fact, since your father decided to marry her, there has to be more to this story than the fact that she's simply a hagbeast.

If you are truly as close to your father as it seems, I can't imagine a better option than trying to talk to him about your discomfort. This is not an excuse to bash who he's chosen to spend his life with, but it should be an opportunity for you to tell him that you feel like you're having a hard time connecting with her, and that indeed you don't like feeling like you have to fight for his attention. This honesty has the potential to provide much more relief than just biting your lip as you imagine spraying the vinaigrette into her eyes. If your dad can affirm your place in his heart, you can try to start fresh with his wife, even if she still is as appealing as a snakeskin sandwich.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Possibly Evil Stepmother" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

AH ... IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME. The 15-year-old squeaky-clean Miley Cyrus ("Hannah Montana," for those of you who are blissfully oblivious), has just been seen in a creep-tacular photo shoot in Vanity Fair, sheet draped around her in a nudie pose.

I guess she — or more likely her country "legend" (for what? The mullet?) father Billy Ray Cyrus, who approved the shoot and even got in on the action in another ick-inducing pose — realized that her second-grade following won't last forever, and it's time to bust into the, well, look-at-my-bust market.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: The Miley Mess" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I am a bum magnet. I date sleazeballs and realize this. My latest was a total jerk and was cheating on me the entire time. In short, I know this has to do with my father, who was a similar type of person. But this insight doesn't help. I am always attracted to the bad boy, no matter how much I know it's not a good idea. How do you change you are attracted to?
— BUM-MAGNET

As anyone who's battled a Nic Cage phase knows, you can't change whom you're attracted to. At least not exactly.

Forgive me for the cliché, but I'm guessing you haven't hit rock-bottom yet. Like the alcoholic who knows why he turns to the bottle but still can't stay away, you're still perceiving the highs of your substance of choice — guys named Rocco — as outweighing the lows, even if just unconsciously. Until you hit that point where you really, truly believe that you're better off without these dudes, you're going to continue to be drawn to them like me to smoked gouda.

The good news is, this doesn't mean you have to seek out the Greatest Jilt of All and suddenly be dialing up Mario Lopez. Instead, you could go the other direction by gradually teaching yourself the benefits of good guys through practice, practice, practice. That's right — just keep trying to make the better choice, and let positive reinforcement work some magic.

And, finally, there's no one better to help you fight this fight than a therapist, who can aid you in understanding the nuances of "My Dad Was No Mike Brady" even better.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: When Nice Guys Don't Finish First" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

"SPRING CLEANING." Do you do it? Pretend to do it? Participate in it only if it means finding that sixth remote and balancing it on top of last year's W-2s?

The psychology of clutter has garnered more and more attention recently. And while demonizing those bins of broken salad tongs and crumpled, years-old New York Observers serves no purpose other than making me a hypocrite, it is worth reporting that new connections are being discovered between organization in one's living space and stability in one's mental health.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Spring Streamlining" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I am a 25-year-old professional woman who's highly educated and who my friends say is very attractive, funny, etc. I am also divorced. It seems that the last point stops dates dead in their tracks. I know in D.C. it's not common for someone to be divorced at my age; in fact, many guys still seem to live with their parents. I got married to my college sweetheart too soon, and it did not last long. But I sometimes feel that mistake cost me so much. I hate meeting someone who seems awesome, then, when we get to the divorce part, he treats me like trailer trash. I now don't bring it up until several weeks into a relationship, but that does not go over well either. — NOT WHO THEY THINK

We all have things about ourselves that we are better off to keep from flaunting during our first — or even fifth — dates. (My "Elvis is alive" phase, anyone?) But being evasive about something significant can also make one seem defensive. You are divorced — it's a fact and part of who you are — and it doesn't have to appear in the same sentence as "trailer trash" unless you let it. By trying to separate yourself so much from the millions of others who share your status, I wonder whether you're making your issue even bigger.

I do see your frustration — there's a piece of your image that feels at odds with the person you truly believe yourself to be. But many of us, from trust fund babies to former strippers to guys named Egbert, have this problem, and that's why we must find people who want to know the real us instead of the boxes we check on the forms at the dentist's office. If you can bring yourself to be patient, you'll see that you have an advantageous screening test. Those who will judge early will judge early, no matter what you do about it — but you can bypass them to get to those who want the showing of the real you.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Should the Big 'D' Loom so Large?" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

ALL MEN HOPING to be the next "King of Queens" rejoice: Recent research reveals that married couples in which the woman was deemed more physically attractive than the man scored higher in measures of inter-partner support and positivity.

But unlike the way that certain (perhaps trophy-wived?) newsmen have enjoyed spinning this story, we've got to remember that this isn't a prescription for what type of person someone should seek out. Since we can only speculate on what actually causes these findings (might it just be that these people are less likely to go against the grain of societal expectations in general?), then there's no guarantee that if couples set out to match themselves this way, the results will hold true.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Is He Hotter or Notter?" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I'm wondering how to deal with a boyfriend who does not manage stress well but refuses to get help. "Michael" is extremely irritable, usually because of his work or money issues (he has a lot of student loans and has been falling behind). I try to help him, but he gets defensive and even more annoyed when I want to talk about what's wrong. I have suggested counseling, and he says there is no way he would ever do it. It is getting to the point that I find myself tensing up on my commute home because I know that as soon as I walk in the door, he's going to be stressed out about some new thing. — STUCK IN ARLINGTON

When a loved one needs help but refuses to get it, as with this issue, substance abuse, poor health habits or an unfortunate addiction to "Rock of Love," it's always important to realize the limits of what you can do. So, make sure you don't take responsibility for his actions and add to your own stress — safeguard your emotional health by setting boundaries now about what you'll put up with and for how long.

Then, you have to try to get through to him that his problems have become your relationship's problems. Pick a time when he's not overly irritable (if that's impossible, this talk becomes even more urgent). Using the classic "I feel" statements rather than the accusatory "You are," ask him to help you generate solutions, since he seems to be dismissing your ideas. If the best solution — counseling — still goes nowhere, see if he'll at least agree to some baby steps: generating a list of his triggers and healthier ways to de-stress from them, reading a book on relaxation exercises, having a "wind-down" time during which he secludes himself until he can behave more healthily around you, etc. Over time, you can start the work of deciding whether his efforts are good enough.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: A Relationship's Stress Test" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

A BRITISH STUDY recently discovered that women who identified as feminists were more forgiving than other women when it came to what female body types they deemed attractive.

Though the feminists — like virtually all the study's women — still identified the most attractive body as one that was underweight, they were less likely to have a negative view of both overweight and extremely underweight bodies. In short, feminists showed a wider and more inclusive range of what shapes they considered appealing.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Broader Ideals" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I had been over my ex for a while, but curiosity overcame me. So, I decided to check his online profile — and found out he blocked me. What would possess him to do that? Am I to blame? — KICKED OUT OF HIS PAST

Once again, my telepathy is failing me — just like my speeding-ticket immunity — so I can't choose among the dozens of possibilities that might have made your ex decide to cut ties. But I can say that "ex" means different things to different people, from the demon of one's scream-worthy nightmares to one's go-to escort for unwanted office picnics. It could be that he decided that the past needs to stay in the past (despite your moniker, you're not "kicked out" of it — in fact, you might just be residing there). I know it must be frustrating and hurtful. But hand-wringing about whether you are to "blame" misses the point and keeps you from moving forward as well.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Blacklisted on MySpace" »