Baggage Check: Searching for Ms. Not Crazy

Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I've become completely jaded. In the past few years, I've gone on about 25 first dates. Between those who won't call me back and those who are promiscuous, drug-users, eating-disordered, or completely self-absorbed, I'm starting to believe there aren't any quality women out there. I'm absolutely miserable due to my lack of success. Where can I meet someone? Please don't say the Internet.
— FRUSTRATED

IT'S NOT THE WHERE but the who. You need not be ruling people out by their coordinates; the far more important screen is personality.

Concerning the women you presumably liked but who didn't call you back: What do you think went wrong? And right? Though the dates seemed to fizzle, you can still learn from these experiences. Enlist some good friends to help you figure it out. Tell them to be really honest, and ply them with dinner.

Also, it's time to wonder whether your mind-set is dooming these dates. "Completely jaded" and "absolutely miserable" aren't usually on women's lists of dream-man qualities. Perhaps they're picking up on your negativity. And don't let everything ride on that first meeting. That will lessen the pressure and make a real glimpse into each other much more likely. So will branching out and trying new activities that you'll enjoy regardless of whether they produce Ms. Right. Expand your circle and your enjoyment of life — maybe that even means some low-stakes online experimentation — and you'll much more easily draw in the right woman.

A co-worker is forever complaining to me about her personal life, and it's clear she has a lot of emotional problems. I don't really mind listening to her, but I think she needs therapy. Is there a polite way to say so?
— ANONYMOUS CO-WORKER

The fact that you're continuing to listen patiently and are worried about being polite and nonjudgmental gives me hope that you'll do this just fine. It's usually easiest to suggest therapy if you can attest to how you've seen it help a friend (or, ideally, yourself!)

But if you can't share — or don't want to — that personal of a couch testimonial, you could be gently straightforward: "Hey, I really enjoy talking to you and I'm always flattered when you want my advice. But sometimes I worry I'm not as much help as I could be. Have you ever considered seeing someone/counseling/talking to a professional? I've heard good things about how helpful that can be."

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express

» CORRECTION:
Due to an editing error in last week's Baggage Check, the column suggested quitting smoking by suddenly cutting back to one cigarette a day. It should have recommended cutting back one's smoking by eliminating one daily cigarette each week.