Baggage Check: It's Just a Little Crush

Got issues? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I have had feelings for more than 10 years for my middle school teacher. I am now married with kids, but periodically I have dreams about him — we only get to kiss. I never told him about my feelings and we don't even keep in touch, but I feel like I am cheating on my husband with my dreams.
— BOTHERED

An occasional dream or a monthly "Mr. Ridgely used to wear that!" probably don't mean much. The key question is whether it's getting in the way of your feelings for your husband. Feeling like you're cheating (even though a dream is nothing of the sort) lets me know that this is affecting you pretty deeply.

It also means it's time to figure out what may be missing from your relationship that makes the fantasy of Mr. Lunch Monitor so enticing. If there are shortcomings that you can communicate with your husband about, that would be a great start. But you'll probably get a wider exploration of what's really going on if you're willing to talk to a professional.

A good friend of mine recently committed suicide, and his suicide note scares me because the reasons detailed are eerily rational. Our friends are successful, young D.C. professionals who put their jobs before their own well-being. If I were to take time out to deal with mental health issues, my employers would likely frown upon my reduced productivity. The last time I had to deal with something related to this, I was laughed at by the HR director.
— A FRIEND IN MOURNING

My sincerest condolences. The emotional upheaval of the grief process is well-known, but what often goes ignored is the way it messes with the core of one's identity — who you thought you were and wanted to be. A suicide is agonizing, not only for the "what ifs" that loved ones can't help pondering, but also the way it brings out doubts about our lives.

If you find yourself having thoughts that feel suicidal, don't hesitate to call 1-800-SUICIDE. What I'm getting from you, however, is a more general malaise about your lifestyle. You wouldn't necessarily have to take time off in order to improve your mental health; it's amazing what weekly therapy sessions can do.

To balk at getting stress relief because you're scared of jeopardizing the thing that stresses you is as circular as a yo-yo. I won't pretend that these work-life balance and identity issues are easily "fixed" with treatment — reassessing and recalibrating will probably continue throughout your life, as they should. But for now, a great start would be to get in touch with a therapist.

No need to go through your evil HR. Check out APAhealthcenter.org for assistance in starting the search.

Send your mental health and emotional wellness questions to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., at baggage@readexpress.com. This column is not a substitute for one-on-one care.

Art by Eric Reece for Express