Runway Jury: The Crotch Is Insane!

Express' Arion Berger turns her critical eye on this week's "Project Runway."

NOTE: The show described below has already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd it, you will be spoiled.

ALL OF THE CROTCHES were insane this week on "Project Runway" (Wednesdays, Bravo). Waistlines were behaving eccentrically and kind of tiring to be around, jackets were having blackouts and babbling incoherently and shirts were having psychotic episodes and needed to be restrained. How can a challenge filled with such nutty clothes be kind of a bore?

Well, menswear offers inherently less room for flaming freakouts or freaking flame-outs than women's wear does, and even if the skill levels of the designers in this realm was low enough to promise some dangerous runway laughs — Carmen — it's still just pants-and-a-shirt. Or no shirt, Carmen (shown above).

This week's special guest is former New York Giant Tiki Barber, who was in the market for an outfit to wear for his "Today Show" hosting duties. He asked the designers to bear in mind his thick neck, tiny waist and big butt, and filled them in on his style choices — conservative with attention to details, not afraid of color. So, no caftans or kilts, I guess, but that would have made for better TV.

The mini-scandal of the week involved Double-Barrel Jack whipping off his own flat-front shorts (yay!) in order to get a pattern going for the pants he wanted to make. And the pants Victorya wanted to make. And the pants some else wanted to make — Carmen? Rami gets snitty over this supposed violation (Jack had asked Tim if it was all right and was given the papal blessing, and Nutty Vincent did the same thing last season to zero commotion) and then it all blows over. Jack also admits that he's HIV positive, which is information on his Bravo bio, but it's just heartbreaking to see the profusion of medications he has to take.

So, in come the models, and all the boys and girls hyperventilate. Someone bring Chris March an oxygen machine, stat. The male exception is Kevin — he's straight; did you hear that the first 738 times he said it? STRAIGHT!

The female is Planet Elisa, who primly turns away from her model while he strips down, making some crazy talk about how she is determined to see no man's body but that of her loved one; how she gets through a summer day in New York City is beyond me.

In Mystery Sewing Machine Theater, Carmen sings to herself and Rami tells her to shut the hell up; Elisa's model explains that he wants to become an ethnobotanist while she struggles not to look at his plump lips and imagine him ... watering her fern.

Tim Gunn asks the designers to gather 'round and introduces Tiki's wife, the Dullest Woman on Television, explaining that she knows what her husband likes and can advise the designers. She fingers some fabric and refuses to defend the horrible dress she's chosen to wear in front of Tim Gunn, who's too polite to mention that petites need to be careful about bold prints. Tim homes in on Carmen's hideous Members Only jacket and she frets about not having enough material to make an actual sportscoat. A vest, idiot! Less material, not more. Just make a damn vest.

Oh, lordy, what that runway has seen. It may never recover from the parade of suck that was these outfits.

The best included Pale Steven's nice gray belted slacks topped by a matching sweater — which I guess he didn't make? — underneath which a blue dress shirt poked out at the collar and cuffs. There's some kind of askew ascot thing going on at the throat, and you couldn't see the construction of the shirt, but it fit and looked young and conservative.

Rami's khaki jacket over flat-front pants was more "getting a Starbucks" than "hosting a TV show" but it was smart and simple.

Kit "Pistol" should have taken it home with her well-built fleece sportscoat over khaki trousers and a blue dress shirt. The fabric choice really split the difference between casual and formal and the pants were professionally constructed. Of all the looks, this one appeared to be actual clothes.

The just OK were Chris March's design, a dead-black suit over a dead-black sweater. It's hard to see, but looks well-made. Jillian had Saturday Night Fever, but she finished a three-piece suit in time and even if the styling was kind of flappy, props to her for gunning through the challenge.

Jack's striped shirt with bias-cut details (cute pocket!) didn't fit too well, and slacks with a pale, reportedly pink pinstripe. He had pinned the shirt to the pants, so no points for expert tailoring there.

The wha? included Ricky's ... well, do you remember that episode of "The Office" where Michael Scott had to go up to New York to, I think, plead for keeping the Scranton branch open, and he had bought a woman's suit by mistake at Filene's Basement? Yeah, Ricky's model was wearing that suit. And Michael's fit better.

Kevin made a handsome purple shirt, OK pants and a crazy little vest that he had amateurishly pinned together. (Lots of amateurish pinning in the epi, though, so he wasn't alone.)

Christian made a jacket with the weirdest proportions I have even seen — huge around the neck, tight at the shoulders and short in the arms, so long in the waist it looked like a 5-button, with kind of a cute pocket detail in another fabric that made the whole look too sportswear.

Oh, heavens above, Crazy Elisa. What is up with that shrunken brown buttonless vest? It looked like a LARPing accessory, or something Shrek would wear at a nice restaurant.

Victorya made a WHITE jacket ("I'm Tiki Barber, floating head") and her crotch was in need of institutionalization. I mean, this crotch thinks Brian Williams is making fun of it on his nightly newscast and demanded all its fillings be removed so that it no longer gets messages from its overlords on Alpha Centauri.

Sweet P's time management led to homage to "The Lost Weekend" — crazy crotch, undone tie and a shirt sized for, well, I'm beginning to think that Shrek is a fashion influence to contend with. It was awful and admittedly unfinished. The camera cut to her semi-constantly, but she didn't go home. Carmen did. See picture above right; I got nothing. (Yes, that is a piece of fabric wound hustler-style over the model's pecs. Even Shrek isn't down with that.)

Jack's bleh combo of stripes-on-stripes won the day. Maybe the judges also have a hard time seeing on that all-black runway space.

Best moment: Sweet P falls into a mannequin and someone hilariously yells, "Man down!"