GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

I am a bum magnet. I date sleazeballs and realize this. My latest was a total jerk and was cheating on me the entire time. In short, I know this has to do with my father, who was a similar type of person. But this insight doesn't help. I am always attracted to the bad boy, no matter how much I know it's not a good idea. How do you change you are attracted to?
— BUM-MAGNET

As anyone who's battled a Nic Cage phase knows, you can't change whom you're attracted to. At least not exactly.

Forgive me for the cliché, but I'm guessing you haven't hit rock-bottom yet. Like the alcoholic who knows why he turns to the bottle but still can't stay away, you're still perceiving the highs of your substance of choice — guys named Rocco — as outweighing the lows, even if just unconsciously. Until you hit that point where you really, truly believe that you're better off without these dudes, you're going to continue to be drawn to them like me to smoked gouda.

The good news is, this doesn't mean you have to seek out the Greatest Jilt of All and suddenly be dialing up Mario Lopez. Instead, you could go the other direction by gradually teaching yourself the benefits of good guys through practice, practice, practice. That's right — just keep trying to make the better choice, and let positive reinforcement work some magic.

And, finally, there's no one better to help you fight this fight than a therapist, who can aid you in understanding the nuances of "My Dad Was No Mike Brady" even better.

I am engulfed in a custody dispute with my ex-husband over our two children. I know he's fighting me just because he can, even though there's no way he truly believes it's best for the children. The stress of this is tearing me apart. I'm very interested in counseling and have done it in the past and found it helpful, but I'm concerned that if anyone finds out, it will improve his chances of getting the kids. — NEED HELP

I do understand your concerns. But sometimes questions like these call to mind those who somehow manage during emergency medical treatment to be concerned about the state of their underwear.

Whenever someone is going through such a traumatic thing — let alone having it "tear you apart" —counseling is something of an emotional necessity, and I'm thrilled that you realize how much it could benefit you and are using your past success as a guide.
Yes, some people do love the stereotype that therapy is for "crazy" people, instead of for people who want to make the most of their lives. But, luckily, most authorities involved with custody disputes are familiar with the role of mental health professionals in making the process smoother for everyone, and you're unlikely to encounter any kind of witch hunt. I beg you not to deny yourself the care you need, care that you can try to keep private by choosing not to tell anyone about, and care that will actually — even if it somehow were revealed — show that you are doing the right thing by keeping yourself healthy. That's an admirable quality in any parent.

Talk back to Dr. Andrea by leaving a comment below. To ask a question for Baggage Check in the Express print edition, e-mail baggage@readexpress.com or submit an anonymous question here.

Art by Eric Reece for Express

Posted by Andrea at 12:01 AM on April 29, 2008
Tagged in Baggage Check , Fit , Lifestyles , Top Columns