Hail to the Chef: His and Hers

Express' Karmah Elmusa recaps what the bride and groom ate on "Top Chef."

THIS WEEK, the end stages of "Top Chef Chicago" began — the fat (in the form of mediocre cooks) has officially been skimmed. The nice, even number of eight — four men and four women (more ladies left at this stage than in seasons past) — made for the perfect opportunity to pit teams against each other in the most cutthroat (ha) "Top Chef" Challenge ever.

Cutting (ha) to the chase: the elimination challenge was titled Wedding Wars. As in, nuptials, the joining of soul mates, the most important day of a couple's life, etc. A real couple ... or a couple of good sports. Oh, and I should mention that along with the pressure applied to our chefs to pull off this task, there is also no time allotted for sleeping. Read on for a recap of the beautiful, inevitably tense, moments starring our stressy, exhausted, egomaniacal (if strangely lovable) bunch.

QUICKFIRE
Oh, wait. Before Wedding Wars, I must briefly recap the quickfire. Tom appears at the beginning of the episode alongside Padma, and we must wonder, to what we owe this visit from he-who-is-normally-too-good-to-show-up-for-this-part? Padma announces that the ante is being upped — no more immunity from a quickfire win. Knives are drawn, teams are divided. On one side, we've got Dale, Lisa, Nikki and Spike. On the other, there's Richard, Andrew, Antonia and Stephanie. If this seems wildly unfair to you (read: the latter Team is a League of Extraordinary Chefs) you're right, it is. But, c'est la vie; this is the breakdown for the entire episode.

On to the quickfire! A throwback to last season, the chefs are presented with oranges, artichokes, a monkfish (now that's a face that would make a mother vomit. Check it out on YouTube, it's the thing eating the other thing) and mayo makings.

That's right — it's the relay. One member of each team must make supremes of five oranges (Antonia vs. Lisa), one must whittle down an artichoke to its heart (Andrew vs. Spike), one must fillet the monkfish (Richard vs. Dale) and one must make a big ol' bunch of mayo (Stephanie vs. Nikki). The name of the game is speed.

After a whole lot of getting ahead and falling behind, and despite Lisa "smoking Antonia's ass on those oranges," Team Fork or Spoon (Richard and co. Why don't we just call them the A Team?) wins the challenge. Celebration ensues. And then Dale embarrasses the B Team by screaming "F---!" at the top of his lungs and body checking an innocent metal locker. Strong start, buddy.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE
Going to the chapel and we're ... yup, they're taking the plunge.

The lovely couple is Corey and J.P.. When we meet them, Padma mentions that they do something or another involving food, just in case anyone was thinking about slacking.

As winners of the quickfire, the A Team contestants get to pick whether they are going to cook for the bride's guests or the groom's — and in a daring move they pick the bride's (Apparently, they haven't heard about bridezilla syndrome). She's a meat-and-potatoes girl. Done. The B Team meets with the reject, aka the groom, and he just loves Italian. Nikki's Italian! Done.

Here Comes the Bride: Meat and potatoes it is. For their menu, the A Team whips up several appetizers including pulled pork with a homemade pickle, braised short ribs and blue cheese in phyllo dough and a few pizzas, courtesy of Antonia. For the main dish they serve up creamed spinach, fillet mignon, brisket, chicken and potatoes gratin — classic dishes that come with a lot of pressure to make them flavorful. Oh, and finally, a tiered, romantic wedding cake by Stephanie.

This team is working it. Not only are they putting out good food, but they communicate well during the 30+ hours our chefs are awake preparing for this wedding. The closest thing to a controversial comment made throughout is by Richard: "People respond to lack of sleep in different ways. Andrew stops talking, which is unusual." More of a brotherly tease than a slam. I didn't dub them the A Team for nothing.

Oh, And Then There's the Groom: Nikki is all jazzed about the Italian, until she realizes she doesn't want to be in charge. Her half-commitment to the cause leads to a slapdash, non-cohesive menu. For starters, we see pizza, bruschetta, pizzas and flatbreads. There's an antipasti bar per the groom's request with meats, cheeses and veggies grilled a la Spike. Then there's Sicilian tuna salad, fillet mignon, tortellini, Chilean sea bass and a German chocolate cake made by Lisa that strongly resembles a cardboard box.

Needless to say, the B Team is pretty much a disaster throughout. There's a lot of not-so-subtle smack talk and that feeling of divisiveness one gets when watching a team on which all members are working for themselves. Nikki jinxes herself early by stating, "I never want to be on Dale's team. Ever. He's the one that points fingers."

Meanwhile, Dale is in his corner complaining about picking up the team's slack. This dynamic is a recipe for success. On opposite day.

JUDGE'S TABLE
Consensus at the wedding seems to be that both cakes are tasty, a lot of the A Team's food was good, and a lot of the B Team's food wasn't. I suppose I've made no secret of the fact that the A Team has this one in the bag. Richard is the winner, but in a nauseatingly generous move, he gives his prize to Stephanie (before he hears that it's $2,000 at Crate & Barrel). Good work, Dick!

The judges (who include Chicago pastry chef Gale Gand) lay into the B Team's entire plan of action, and then nitpick at the creamed spinach and bruschetta.

Lisa begins to slowly fall asleep on her feet after praise for her cake assures her that she's out of the danger zone. Nikki, Dale and Spike are a blurry mess (did I mention they still have not slept come Judge's Table?) of insults and excuses. But in the end, the Italian girl who wouldn't take the lead on her own cuisine is told to pack it in and head out. We'll miss you Nikki. Oh, wait, no ... I meant, we would miss you if you had ever said anything remotely interesting, Nikki.

Richard' Most Enthusiastic Comment of the Week:
"I have not seen this much emotion ... from myself." (As he expressed after winning the quickfire challenge).

Antonia's All-Too-Accurate Description of Dale's Behavior:
"He punched the locker and then had to have his diaper changed."

Andrew's Least Appetizing Comment of the Week:
"I'm like Popeye's wet-f---ing-dream right now dude."

Lisa's Most Truthful Statement of the Week:
"Hold on to that cake for dear life because of it smashes I'm going to need therapy."

Padma's "May or May Not Know Anything About Food" Comment of the Week:
Guest-Judge: Do you like the steak?
Padma: It's good?

Antonia's Best Call of the Week:
"Andrew is not allowed to talk to the guests. Seriously."

Best Dale-Based Interaction of the Week:
Dale: I hustled. I straight up hustled, dude.
Spike: Come on, Dale, get it all out. You here to call some people out, just go for it. Dale you're such a little bitch bro.

Most Awkward Comment a Bride Could Make on Camera:
"I was like, 'why doesn't he love me as much as I love him,' and then one day, he did! Heh ... "