Express' Karmah Elmusa recaps kid-friendly fun on "Top Chef."

THIS WEEK on "Top Chef Chicago," it was all about the family. Not the family of Tom and Padma McJudgerson and their love children, Ted and Gail, but your everyday, pressed-for-money-and-time American family. To illustrate the theme, Bravo even thought to supply kids in floppy white hats to play sous chef, and had their peers serve as the audience.

Perhaps it was all the small people around, but our chefs were on their very best behavior this week -- they checked the four-letter words, pointless feuding and molecular gastronomy at the door. However boring that might sound, it's time you took a chance on some fine family fun. And for those of you who need a li'l drama, keep reading. Someone cried, someone got sent home and someone said the b word. But not the b word you're thinking of.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
Antonia wakes up the morning of the challenges feeling extra feisty. Or, as she put it: "I woke up this morning and I was like, f--- everybody, I want to win." When a quote like this is shared first thing in the episode, it means one of two things in TopChef Land: either Antonia will choke at every turn and be sent home with her knives between her legs, or she will dominate. You'll find out which in approximately two paragraphs.

On to the quickfire. I almost want to skip right over it, as it features some of the most shameless product placements in all of "Top Chef" history — and as faithful readers know, that is saying a lot. The brand du jour is Uncle Ben's Rice; the challenge is to make an entree in 15 minutes incorporating said rice (which is not only nutritious but cooks in JUST 90 SECONDS, Padma informs us). Sure, the product plugging is infuriating, but mostly because it works. Those small orange rice satchels are so festive, and what a vast and interesting variety of flavors!

The chefs manage to produce some fairly impressive dishes in the brief allotted time period, and Art Smith, Oprah's personal chef, serves as this week's guest judge. Smith is eerily reminiscent of Dr. Phil, which makes me wonder: what's Oprah's affinity for doughy, stammering, white men about?

Smith's least favorites: Mark and his miso glazed turkey over rice, Stephanie and her seafood pancake and Lisa's pile of Mexican weirdness.

Smith's favorites: Richard's seared tuna and yuzu tomatoes, Dale's fried rice with scallops and Chinese long beans, and the challenge and immunity winner, Antonia, with her rice and salad over steak. Looks like that feistiness is going to pay off.

ELMINATION CHALLENGE
For this week's elimination challenge, the chefs are asked to step off their high-budget-sophisticated-palate platforms and make a nutritious meal for a family of four. The catch? A $10 budget. This caveat is best defined as difficult, unless you're Andrew, in which case, it's catastrophic: "How the f--- am I going to buy dinner for four with $10? Impossible. Im. Poss. Ible." The rules of the challenge tickle Antonia, who reveals herself to be a single mother, making her the only parent among the cheftestants.

Post-pricey-organic-grocery store trip, the chefs are loaded down with ingredients (mostly chicken) and ready to commence, when in walks the other catch: nine tiny helper chefs (Antonia cries at the sight of them). More specifically, these are kids from Smith's organization Common Threads, which tries to bring families together around the table. No jokes here, folks. This is what the kiddies need.

Each chef is assigned a kid to work with, and the battle begins. There are several simple, thoughtful dishes being assembled throughout the kitchen, among them Spike's pasta puttanesca, Antonia's stir-fry chicken and wheat noodles and Nikki's roasted chicken and vegetables. There are also a few sure-to-be-disasters coming along nicely: namely, Mark's vegetable curry and Stephanie's peanut butter and tomato chicken over zucchini and eggplant cous cous. If anything screams crowd-of-children pleaser, it's the opposite of Stephanie's dish. Is our stalwart competitor faltering?

The food service goes swimmingly -- the kids are very polite about everything they're eating, and if there's anything they don't like, they do a stellar job of masking it. At the judges' table, where Padma, Art Smith and Gail are seated, the standard praises, disparaging remarks and repetitive comments are flung wildly about.

» Gail: There's not enough protein.
» Padma: It needs more protein.
» Art: More protein.

We got it. Perhaps such banter is why Tom chooses to taste his dishes in the kitchen this week.

JUDGES' TABLE
First called in to see the panel o' judges are Antonia, Andrew and Nikki. All three score points for simplicity and bold flavors. Andrew's chicken paillard not only allowed his mini-sous chef to mercilessly beat chicken cutlets with a frying pan, it incorporated fennel and oranges into a salad that young palates appreciated. Nikki's "one-pot wonder" as the incessantly corny Art Smith repeatedly calls it, had that comforting down-home thang going on, and Antonia's wheat noodles, while they didn't look like much on screen, must have tasted amazing as they earn her the win.

The unlucky bottom three were Stephanie, Mark and Lisa. Stephanie is fairly graceful, as usual, Lisa is fairly awkward as usual, and Mark is possibly drunk, as he boldly states:
"I'm a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn't like me. It's undercooked, overcooked ... How do I make this guy happy?" Put protein in your curry, for starters. But the look on Tom's face says, "No need to try, friend, as we won't be interacting much more after this."

Alas, 'tis farewell to Mark. As Tom so movingly puts it, "Unfortunately, a fun day does have to come to a bitter end for somebody." A nod from Hail to the Chef to our New Zealander for providing me with so many delightful quotes over the weeks, and by helping to reinforce stereotypes by randomly playing the didgeridoo in this episode.

Best. Quote. Ever. (It was so good, and quick, I may have dreamed it):
Andrew: "I have a culinary boner."

Padma's "May or May Not Know Anything About Food" Exchange of the Week:
Art: "I need sauce."
Padma: "I need sauce, and I need the chicken to be more tender."
Mark: "It's turkey."

Most Condescending Quote of the Week:
Gail: "This is real life for [Antonia]."

Most Awkwardly Graphic, if Slightly Touching, Quote of the Week:
Richard: "Just the whole experience of working with kids and seeing Antonia cry, I want to go home and make babies."

Biggest Overstatement of the Week:
Tom: "I thought the beans were under-flavored, and it was shocking."

Padma's Most Biting Comment of the Week:
"It was disgusting. I detested [Stephanie's dish]."

Most Disingenuous Quote of the Week:
Tom (to Mark): "Just for the record, I don't dislike you. I'm sure after this we'll catch up and have a beer. Or a pint, as you guys say."

Posted by Karmah Elmusa at 9:35 AM on May 1, 2008
Tagged in Entertainment , Hail to the Chef , Television , Top Columns