Hail to the Chef: Steaks Set High

Express' Karmah Elmusa spills the juicy details on the final five.

WELCOME TO THE final episode of "Top Chef Chicago" that will actually take place in Chicago — no, it's not the final final, you're not rid of me yet. Next go 'round, the lucky top four will migrate south to Puerto Rico to compete for the coveted title.

So, in an unmistakable ode to the Midwest, this week was all about the beef. From the beefy-looking guest judge to the quickfire to the elimination challenge, steak was the order of the day. Read on to find out who's Puerto Rico-bound, whose scallops sent them packing and who got away with making peanut butter mashed potatoes and a snarly face.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE
The five remaining cheftestants are hustled to someplace called "Allen Brothers," which appears to be a sort of giant butcher shop-cum-warehouse. A lady dressed as though she's about to handle the Andromeda Strain greets Stephanie, Spike, Richard, Antonia and Lisa and has them suit up before leading them into a room full of meat.

She presents them each with a USDA Approved, Grade A, Super-Sonic, Levitating, Gold-Plated, Dry-Aged, Long-Bone Ribeye. Or something. Whatever the monstrosity is, the challenge is to butcher it into tomahawk steaks in 20 minutes. Time starts, and Spike, admittedly, is the only one who looks like he has half a clue what he's doing. In his own words, he "rocked it." The rest manage, but, damn, can the Hat Man cut meat.

The chefs are then instructed to wrap their steaks and bring them along to the "Top Chef" kitchen. There, they are introduced to our aforementioned beefy guest judge, Chicago restaurateur Rick Tramonto. Tramonto knows his steak, so if each chef could cook him one in 30 minutes, that would be just fantastic. Oh, and medium rare, please.

We see a variety of techniques employed, but Antonia's definitely takes it in terms of shock value.

"Cooking a steak, there's got to be a lot of love that goes into it," she says. "I get a nice char on mine, then I baste it and baste it and baste it in butter."

Um, she's not kidding. She puts that steak in a sauce pan and proceeds to dump giant spoonful after giant spoonful of melted butter over it. Now, I'm not afraid of a few extra calories here and there, but good lord, woman!

Unsurprisingly, when Tramonto feels the steaks (that's right, cuts into them, pokes at them, looks at them, doesn't taste them) Antonia is ranked near the top, along with Spike (the winner!) and Lisa. Richard and Stephanie are declared bad butchers with overly-rare meat.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Pretty Padma tells the chefs that for their elimination challenge, they will be serving dinner at Tramanto's Steak & Seafood. Each chef must come up with an appetizer and an entree to present to the judges and other guests.

As the quickfire winner, Spike gets to choose his proteins first — and no one else can use them. So there! Based on how pathetic his picks were in the Chicago police-chicken salad sandwich debacle, it's no shocker when he grabs a bag of frozen scallops (collective culinary-snob gasp!) and the tomahawk steaks he won with in the quickfire.

As soon as the rest of the chefs begin to turn their noses up at Spike's icy seafood, it's clear he's in trouble. Everyone else hits up the Tramanto's fridge and then ... their time starts now! Here's what they come up with:

Antonia:
» Appetizer: Warm mushroom salad with artichokes, a poached egg and a bacon vinaigrette.
» Entree: Bone-in ribeye with a caramelized potato shallot gratin.

Richard:
» Appetizer: Hamachi (yellow tail) with sweetbread (play on the Italian appetizer Vitello Tonnato, or veal and tuna).
» Entree: Beef tenderloin with potatoes, turnips, red wine and pickled Brussels sprouts.

Lisa:
» Appetizer: Grilled and chilled shrimp, with a salad of confit lemon zest and baby tomatoes, served on a crostini.
» Entree: Caramel apple steak and peanut butter mashed potatoes. (My unsolicited opinion: that's gross.)

Spike:
» Appetizer: Seared scallops with roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms.
» Entree: Tomahawk steak with sweet potato puree and Brussels sprouts.

Stephanie:
» Appetizer: Crisp sweetbreads (veal gland) with golden raisins, pine nuts, haricots verts and bacon.
» Entree: Beef tenderloin with mushrooms and applesauce.

Tom announces gleefully that he will be expediting the meal instead of sitting down to eat it (he can yell things like "Hurry it up, Richard. You're killin' me here, Richard" to his heart's content). Joining Gail, Tramonto and Padma at a dining table are three faces from seasons past. You guessed it: It's "Top Chef" winners Ilan the questionable cook, uninspiring Harold and ego-trippin' Hung, all back to pass judgment on their potential successors.

After a number of profound Gail remarks like "Stephanie showed me something new," tasting time is over and it's off to the final elimination in the Windy City.

JUDGE'S TABLE

The tension mounts as all of the cheftestants are called before the panel o' judges (which, to my utter disappointment, does not include the likes of Hung, Ilan and Harold). Each chef chats about their dishes, everyone had likes and dislikes, overall it was good, etc.

Then, they cut to the chase. Stephanie is the winner! For perhaps the zillionth time! Go on witchya bad self, gurrl! Tramonto presents her with his new cookbook. Neat. Oh, and her other prize is an entire kitchen furnished by anonymous-brand-name-sponsor. Slightly neater.

After Antonia and Richard deftly secure their places in the top four, it's down to Spike and Lisa. Lisa leads off by making that face — the one with the indignant eyes and the double chin (topped off by the ever-greasy hair), Spike insults the guest judge ... it's anyone's game. And then, the moment of truth: "Spike, please pack your knives and go."

Now, I already ranted against Lisa being allowed to stay last week, so readers, I'm sure you can only imagine my utter shock and sadness that she is in the top four. There are no words that can bring comfort, except perhaps "good luck Stephanie!" And Richard! And Antonia!

Stephanie's Most Heavy and Awkward Comment of the Week:
"It's a huge piece of meat and it's heavy and it's awkward."

Richard's Vote of Self-Confidence of the Week:
"I've failed at many things in my life and I don't really feel like failing at this."

Lisa's Only Logical Comment of the Week:
"I need a Xanax."

Padma's "I May or May Not Know Anything About Food" Comment of the Week:
"The whole should be greater than all your parts. And in this case, the sum didn't add up to more."

Most Awkward Exchange of the Week:
Spike: With all due respect, Chef Tramonto, [the scallops] were in your walk-in fridge, and if they're in there, they should be up to snuff.
Tramonto: I'll take the shot, bro. But with all due respect, you used them.

Second Most Awkward Exchange of the Week:
Padma: I think [Lisa] focuses more on flavor than technique.
Tom: But ... technique is how you make flavor.