GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

Last year I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. But then I cheated on her, and she found out. I immediately recommitted myself to my fiancée. Of course, the fact remains that I did cheat, and the hurt I caused her affects us to this day. We've both agreed to try to work through this, but we seem to take two steps forward and three back. I know there is no quick fix, but I was hoping you could you lead us to some reading material or relationship exercises or a list of help groups. — Please Help

I rarely get such a gleaming opportunity to tout the benefits of couples counseling — you'll have to give me a moment to compose myself. I'm just surprised you mention the idea of reading material, groups or relationship exercises when what you both are crying out for is one-on-two care. You have an important advantage: You're willing to work hard with the goal of your partner's happiness, but I think you also realize that neither of us can predict exactly how this will play out. Your cheating might be a symptom of basic, unchangeable incompatibilities, or it could be a big, sloppy, let's-leave-this-out-of-the-wedding-toasts blunder that nonetheless ends up helping you both change for the better, together. The only way to know is to give counseling a shot; she'll figure out what she would need to be able to get past this, and you'll figure out whether you can give it.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Hey, Dude, That's My Pew!" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

OPINIONS RUN STRONG on the issue of gun control. Long a mainstay of political campaigns and mildly belligerent bumper stickers, people's beliefs can be rigid and emotional, and the Supreme Court has stirred talk of this issue anew with their recent decision to strike down DC's handgun ban. In both anti- and pro-gun control camps, the arguments often revolve around crime rates and pseudo-philosophical musings about the right to bear arms. Sadly, rare does the discussion turn to what is arguably an even more significant issue — that merely owning a gun makes it much more likely that someone in your house will kill themselves.

No matter what your beliefs about the right to keep a handgun, the associated suicide statistics are startling. In fact, more than half of all deaths by firearms are from suicides, and when a suicide is committed in a home, that home is three to five times more likely to have had a firearm present than a home in which no suicide occurred.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Gun Rights v. Suicide" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

Maybe you can settle an argument I'm having with my husband. He has a female friend with whom I know he slept before and during our dating period. The problem is, she continues to text and call him even now that we are married. I told him that I think it is inappropriate and disrespectful to me for him to continue the friendship, but he says he doesn't think it's a big deal because they've been friends for a very long time. Am I overreacting to the situation? — No Name, Please

Without knowing the nature of his and her relationship — its duration, his role in maintaining it, her personality, whether their sleeping together "during" your dating period was as unfun as it sounds — I'll have to be like your annoying insurance plan and cover only the generics.

Some couples have no problems with exes, often eating French toast together on sun-drenched verandas as one big happy group (or was that a movie?). Others avoid their hometowns, high school reunions and even entire tectonic plates so as not to cross paths. What separates those arguing from those cuddling? Whether they've established a protocol — together.

That means that this can go in either direction. Your husband may decide that whatever he's getting from the texts and calls is not worth making his wife uncomfortable, or you may choose to view getting over this as a challenge for personal growth. Or anything in between. Whatever the way, this struggle is like any other marital one, from "there is no magic fairy who moves dishes from sink to dishwasher" to "your Aunt Mavis is not staying more than two nights." That's because you have to work it out together. The only right answer is the one that you both agree upon with respect, patience and sensitivity.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: The Blues or a Family Curse?" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

A new study by the National Sleep Foundation — (note to self: inquire if on-the-job napping is encouraged) — reveals that more Americans than ever before appear to be jacking themselves up with caffeine.

Under particular scrutiny are the so-called "caffeinated moms," a subgroup that apparently outnumbers non-caffeinated moms. The former group — you may know them by their ability to be perky during the seventeenth round of "Let's pretend we're lizards" — has been known to drink up to three pots of coffee a day. The trend has gotten even more problematic due to the advent of energy drinks, some of which can individually pack the punch of four cups of coffee. Sales of these are booming, leading someone (who can actually sit still enough to think straight) to wonder, why are we doing this to ourselves?

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Hyper Activities" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

One of my closest friends confided in me that she is several weeks pregnant. (This was unexpected.) Her boyfriend didn't know, and when he came over, I accidentally congratulated him on his impending fatherhood. My friend was miffed and refused to speak with me. I have tried to make it up to her in e-mails and even sent her flowers. She has ignored it all. What do I have to do to make it up to her? — Blabbermouth

There are some mistakes — losing a job for someone, revealing a long-hidden family secret, accidentally branding someone with a curling iron — that might take a bit more than flowers to be forgiven for.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Open Mouth, Eject Secrets" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

FINALLY, SOME ENCOURAGING NEWS on the childhood obesity front. No, not that they've found a way to make it healthy to eat Bugles while texting, but that for the first time in 25 years, the percentage of American children who are obese did not appear to increase.

It's too early to break out the bran muffins in celebration — after all, these numbers could be a statistical fluke. But might it really mean that some of the health interventions made, both macro and micro, could be making a difference?

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Going Steady" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My boyfriend of almost two years and I had been fighting a lot over the last few months, due to my high stress level from finishing my master's degree and working a full-time job. Several times, I told him to get out of our apartment (but I never actually wanted him to leave). He broke up with me two weeks ago, and now I'm devastated. We're stuck living together in a one-bedroom apartment until September. I want the opportunity to make things right. — BROKENHEARTED

That depends on your definition of "make things right." Something smells concerning to me here (though it could just be that bad curry). Is it that you believe you should unequivocally be with your boyfriend and that the struggles you had were just a blip on the screen? I would argue that your actual fighting wasn't the problem, but rather a symptom of the underlying disease — and there's no easy telling whether that disease is a chronic, terminal nightmare or just, say, a rather embarrassing norovirus.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: I'm Dreaming of Who Now?" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

IN NEUROTRANSMITTERS WE TRUST: New research says that simply throwing in fancy language about brain anatomy can make people more likely to believe faulty logic.

In a recent study, participants were presented a series of explanations for various psychological phenomena. While some of the explanations were scientifically sound, others exhibited circular logic and held about as much water as an incontinent Rottweiler. Generally, people were able to distinguish between the sound and unsound explanations. But when a mention of the physical brain was tossed in, even if it was utterly irrelevant, participants (especially those with no training in psychology or neuroscience) ate the bad explanations right up!

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Mindgames" »

GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.

My fiancé was just fired from his company. I supported him for weeks, blaming his boss, helping him put his resume together, being a shoulder to complain to. One day, after drinking a little too much, he let slip that part of the reason he was fired was that they were monitoring his computer time and he had repeatedly been going on dating sites. He says he just was looking at what was out there, that he would never do anything, etc. We are supposed to get married in six months and I feel totally confused.
— CONFUSED IN VA

"Seeing what's out there" is when I fantasy-Web-surf for cottages in Antigua. It is not when a dude spends his workday ogling the photos, romantic preferences, favorite movies, hopes and dreams of a legislative assistant named Sarah.

You have every right to be hurt and confused, because what your fiancé did — no matter what degree of ill intent — was indeed hurtful and confusing. Let's face it, if he was going to these sites enough to get fired, then it sounds like there was plenty of follow-up to his initial look-see. And the fact that he didn't let the truth come out until alcohol did it for him is an additional betrayal.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Window Shopping or Much Worse" »

Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.

FOR THE MYRIAD GIRL GAGGLES who ventured to see "Sex and the City" this weekend, I dare say that there was a draw more important than labels and love. The appeal of the series, I think — the hook that lasts even when the Samantha-isms are drastically censored, and the infomercials for fashion designers are (gasp!) blessedly absent — is the relationships among the women. From the mini-skirted sorority sisters who imagine themselves as the four characters to the 70-something bridge partners who can't help but tune in, all can recognize that the bonds of female friendship often reign supreme.

Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Friends in the City" »